The Box

I've always been a question asker. I drove my parents crazy when I was a little girl asking "why". Naturally curious (nosy) by nature and inquisitive. If my husband were around right now he'd probably agree that I drive HIM crazy asking so many questions too.

My favorite question lately has been the same as when I was little. Why?

Our life since making the decision to move back to Texas has really been one big roller coaster. Did I mention that I'm not a fan of roller coasters? They make me puke. I don't do well in situations where I have no control. I live by a plan and stick to it. I don't like the feeling of veering off the plan. I like the feeling of knowing where we're going, specifically when, and every little detail of the journey. If anything, the last year or so has taught me that I am not in control.

The Lord has been digging into my selfish heart and cracking it wide open. That's a vulnerable feeling. To not know exactly where your life is headed. I've struggled. It hasn't been pretty. I am stubborn and strong willed (see paragraph above). I have not wanted to let go of my plans for our life. I don't like the feeling of not knowing our future. What does it look like? Is it pretty? What will others think? How does it compare? I've wanted to control it all, to make sure it's picture perfect, so to speak.

And yet, despite the rough patches of life we've experienced I feel like I've finally come out on the other side with a bit of clarity. Peace. Something has happened in my heart that was much needed. And I'm not sure it would have happened had we not had those bumps in life's road. I am okay with not having an answer to the "whys" because there is one question that we've found the answer to, somewhere along the way:
What matters most?

It's the question that has been on our heart for the last year. Buried beneath the plans that we had made for our life. Just a still small, "what matters most to you Lindsay and Jeremy"...
Money?
Success?
Your careers?
Living "the dream"?
A bigger house?
Nicer vehicles?
Buying fancy schmancy things?
Things in general?

This part. Ohhh, this part is where the rubber met the road. Where things got real, real fast. We have been so programmed by society to fit into this box. Anything outside of the box is not acceptable. And, as Christians we are not immune. Let me repeat. WE ARE NOT IMMUNE. Just because we have Christ in our life does not mean we're not susceptible to falling into the world's this-is-how-your-life-should-look box. Amen.

For my entire life I have wanted to be in that box:
Three bedrooms, two baths.
Two nice, shiny cars.
Name brand clothing and shoes.
A purse that is more than a mortgage payment.
The latest iPhone, and iPad.
Vacations in trendy areas.
Pretty things.
Pretty life.

Not even consciously. Very sub-consciously, actually. We built the walls ourselves. One designer pair of shoes at a time. Each new vehicle. Every promotion. Built it up high until we could barely breathe as a family. In our case it was Jeremy's job. The weird hours just pulling us apart as a family. As husband and wife. We've been living separate lives the last two years.

The box that we were living in wasn't a fit home for our family anymore.
It's okay if our life doesn't look like our neighbors.
It's okay if our home doesn't look like yours.
It's okay if we have to take three steps back financially to achieve our goals.
It's okay if our cars are a little older.
It's okay if we don't have every channel that Direct TV offers.
It's okay if we eat at home more often than not.

We choose each other. We've determined that our little FAMILY matters most to us.
Every single evening spent together so that we can play with Jonah + eat dinner together + hang out on the sofa. Weekends off so we can adventure together as a family + go to the park + veg out at home + explore our city. Go camping with family. Take Jonah to the zoo. Go to the lake with friends. Spend the weekend with our parents. Most importantly, weekends off so we can go to church together + take Jonah to Sunday School + connect and do life with like-minded people.

That's what matters. And, He will make a way for that to happen. He is.
Life together.

I'm sure there will be additional curve balls thrown our way in the coming year. But, I can honestly say that I have such a peace about it. It's a beautiful thing to just let go of your own plans. The more broken by the bumps and curves I've become, the more the plan becomes clear. Not our plan. His plan for our life. I have peace knowing that He will provide for us. Take care of us. It's a great reminder that He knows the plan for our life.

That's what matters most.
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Happy Sunday, friends. I would love to know you're reading.