A Story to Take With Us: 2018 in Review

The clock just passed midnight and it's officially New Year's Eve 2018. It's the very last day of the most difficult, yet most beautiful year of my life to date.

I'm awake, the house is silent and I'm reflecting back on 2018 and all that it entails. Reconciling where we began and how we are ending it. The words I type tonight stand as a landmark of hope and faith for my own family to reflect back on when we walk through difficult seasons of life in the future. In all of my reconciling, I keep coming back to the one word this entire year can be summed up in:

WAITING

To begin our story, I feel it fitting to remind you of where we began 2018. Something that stands out to me is this post I wrote back in early February titled, "Waiting is a Gift". I referenced a passage in a book I was reading at the time that used the analogy of a pregnancy, and how it takes nine months of waiting to birth something miraculous.

A few weeks ago I revisited that exact blog-post on a whim- and read it RIGHT at nine months post publication. So fitting for our life! Little did I know when writing that post back in February that our family would spend the next nine-months in a season of just that- complete and utter waiting and as a result- a wonderful new beginning would be birthed within ourselves, our marriage, and for our future. There are a few truths of our season of waiting that I want to reflect on and remember 2018 by:

1. GROWTH comes in the wait
When 2018 rolled around I was eager for a new year. One thought/quote I really took to heart back in January was "I took it off. I did not want to carry it with me anymore." And, actually, I even posted the quote on the blog in this post about my New Year's resolutions for 2018. It became my mantra and had significant meaning. Looking back I didn't realize how much we ultimately would leave behind by the end of this year!

I identified towards the end of in 2017 that I wanted to make a change within myself- it needed to start with my relationship with Christ and my relationship with Jeremy- and to break it down even further, I identified specific traits within myself I wanted to change, but couldn't figure out a way to actually do it on my own. I had finally reached the end of my own ability.

My anger at the position we found ourselves in, in life- and certain extenuating circumstances were the starting point of these changes. Those things felt all-consuming and pushed me to the edge of myself. See, back then I allowed those circumstances, and people, to control MY joy. Control MY attitude towards life and my emotions. They controlled ME because I allowed it, via a vehicle called anger.

Our path in life seemed beyond my control and that was WILDY uncomfortable for me. I felt stuck. For any situation we were faced with during this time I would hop right into my anger-car. It was easy. Convenient. It felt great to be mad at those inflicting pain on my family. However, I was far from being healthy emotionally or spiritually and I knew I wanted to move beyond this- to move forward and leave it all behind me- which is why that particular quote struck such a chord within me!

As I worked through the book I was reading, I also began praying and made a determined and focused intent to nurture my relationships- starting with Christ. HE ultimately changed me this year. He changed my outlook on life. He changed my reaction and response to situations outside of my control. Looking back, I no longer recognize the girl I was back in January. I am changed thanks to a Graceful God. He extended Grace and met me where I was, so angry and hurting and through a LONG season of waiting showed me time and time again the path HE had for us.

It wasn't obvious. It wasn't immediate and it wasn't clear. We continued to walk through dark days and months in 2018- facing huge financial and emotional obstacles. I continued to need Him every single day and he showed up for me every time. Honestly, I stand amazed- God very kindly, sternly and lovingly showed me how to respond rather than reaching for my go-to emotion. He taught me how to answer when life presented difficult, unfair and downright reprehensible situations at our doorstep.

Through the noise of the situations I would hear- "How are you going to respond, Lindsay?"

When someone wrongs you?  When someone is ugly to your Husband? When someone knowingly causes harm to your family's financial future? When the plans you've made for your life don't go the way you want?

"How will you react, Lindsay?"

These situations began in the Fall of 2017 and were carried into 2018. Looking back there were so many days that I cried and pleaded with God to make a way out for us RIGHT THAT SECOND. And slowly, as time has a way of doing, I realized that MY way, and OUR way, to depart the awful season would be THROUGH HIM, and Him alone. I relinquished control. Gave it up- and away to Him.

Giving up control, and my need for a plan for our life was a process. I am VERY hard-headed! It was baby steps. Move forward, fall back. I've learned so many lessons about life and about myself over the last year. I identified that my spiritual growing ground was hard- I was lacking in fruits of the Spirit. This season of waiting broke up my hard ground! I was able to plow through the mud and dirt in my heart and plant good seeds. And an unexpected gift happened during the wait- my marriage took root in ways I never expected. Jeremy and I became a united team as we navigated difficult circumstances and opened our hearts to be completely vulnerable with one another. Our relationship today is a beautiful gift from God.

2. STRETCHING comes in the wait
I was pushed to a really uncomfortable place (via the situations we were put in) where I had to acknowledge the ugly inside of myself. I learned it's much easier to remain the same, to explain away the negative and unhealthy aspects of your life than to face them. Facing the ugliness inside of yourself takes tremendous courage.

If you had asked me a year ago what our future looked like, I would hand you a laundry list of MY plans. The season of waiting we just emerged from broke that inside of me. At times I cried in the shower at the unfairness of the situations we were navigating and God gently reminded me over and over again that He was in control. Not Lindsay. Not Jeremy. And NOT anyone else. It became clear. I needed to WAIT for Him. That's it. Just wait. So, through this process of waiting I surrendered EVERY plan that I had for our life- and can I just say that God writes our story SO MUCH BETTER than we ever could have imagined?!

It feels SO FREEING and SO WONDERFUL to walk in the Blessed Assurance that only comes from entrusting your life to God's plan for you. Had we not walked through a veritable hell-storm the last two years we would not be able to experience the blessings and true JOY on this side of that season! As a result of seeing this year played out, I know to my core that He holds the master-plan for our life. People no longer control my joy. Situations and circumstances don't control my attitude. No one can take away what I've freely given over to God!

3. BLESSINGS come from the wait
Over the last year God has met our basic needs in the most amazing ways- we have so many stories to share about it. He opened the door for a wonderful career move for Jeremy and provided unexpected design opportunities for myself.  New friendships have blossomed, and our friends have become our roots- our support system! It is such a wonderful feeling to know that we have a veritable ARMY of friends RIGHT behind us, cheering us on, walking through the hard places alongside us, and CELEBRATING the victories in life with us.

4. Renewed FAITH, and a renewed PERSPECTIVE come from the wait
An attitude of gratitude emerges from months of waiting within a hard season of life. Dwelling on what I have, and what I'm thankful for when everything is going wrong produces a heart of gratitude. A heart of contentment! It is such a funny thing. My eyes have shifted from "the plan" for our life, to the blessings we have right this moment. The present is a gift.

5. GRATITUDE for obstacles comes from the wait
Finally, the greatest thing I have learned in 2018- and I feel the most telling thing- in terms of our growth is thankfulness and sense of gratitude for the hard season we've emerged from. So much GOOD has come from it, how could I not be? We're done. We passed the test! Isn't it true that if you pass a test- you move forward? Move on? My greatest wish was to take it off. I'm happy to report that as of New Year's Eve- I am no longer carrying baggage with me into 2019!
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Lastly- I just want to encourage you if you're reading this and are walking through a dry, or difficult season in life. A time that feels ugly, uncertain and dark? Take heart! I can relate to those feelings. I've been RIGHT there. Everything felt dark, and nothing about our life, or our future felt okay for many months of 2018. Just remember WHO is writing your story and WHO holds your future. Give it back to him and really dig into the season you're in. Your life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Embrace the waiting season in ALL of its awkwardness. Face the hard truths of your life, the hard truths of your season- and turn them over to God so when the morning comes and Spring dawns- you're ready. Use the season of waiting to break up the hard ground in your heart and plant seeds that will produce good fruit in your life. God will redeem your dirt! His timing is perfect.

Reflecting back- in the ten years that Jeremy and I have been married- 2018 has been the best year of our life. I have NEVER been more excited, or filled with anticipation of a New Year than I am right now. I have such a heart of thankfulness for the road that's led us to December 2018. We passed the test. Onward to 2019!

Happy New Year, everyone!!

Waiting is a Gift

I'm still reading the book Cultivate by Lara Casey. I love every bit of it, and it is totally applicable to my life right now. The past week I've been reading Chapter 6: Grow in the Wait, and I've really been thinking about this concept.

Of waiting. What it builds in your to wait. The opposite of instant, immediate gratification.

The book writes about it so eloquently, "...times of waiting can feel like a punishment, can't they? We humans are creatures of habit. We thrive on familiarity and certainty. We like predictability and known outcomes.... So the uncertain feels uncomfortable. "

Wow. Uncertain feels uncomfortable. Yes. Yes, it does.

And it goes on to say..."Can you imagine if you got pregnant and the next day you gave birth?...You wouldn't be ready....You would have missed the time of preparation that happens over nine-ish months. In the same way, waiting times can also be times of ripening and preparation in our own lives."

What if waiting was a gift? The in-between was really the best part?

My generation is not a patient one. Jeremy and I have discussed this so many times, especially lately. It seems like so many individuals our age want what older generations have worked years and years for- but they want it NOW. Or yesterday actually. The huge house. The vehicles. The toys. This American dream and whatever that entails in their minds. What took previous generations their entire lives, and saving, careful PLANNING, investing into their accounts for YEARS and YEARS. This generation wants it now. In our thirties. Wants it ALL, at ANY COST. Regardless of the cost. Regardless of who they step on to achieve it. All for the sake of appearances. It doesn't add up. And it's ugly.

My prayer is for the Lord to soften my heart towards the hard, waiting periods in our life. We are walking through a waiting period right now in our personal life and I want to be reminded that everything Good works thru Him, and in His time!

Cultivate

I started reading Cultivate by Lara Casey at the beginning of the year. It has been eye-opening and so refreshing! I've been taking my time going chapter by chapter, and sometimes even re-reading (which feels like such a luxury) to make sure I don't miss any of the nuggets.

I started the year with a desire to change. I've had a rough journey of self-awareness the past eleven months. I wanted to leave some things behind me in 2017- and cultivate better things in 2018 in their place. This book is essentially based on ten lies (but SO much more than this short blogpost can ever get into) that we oftentimes tell ourselves, that keep us from flourishing-

1. I have to do it all.
2. I have to be perfect.
3. My life needs to look like everyone else's.
4. It's impossible to start fresh or move forward.
5. I have to know all the details of the path ahead.
6. Waiting is not good or productive.
7. Small steps don't make a difference.
8. I will be content when I have it all.
9. I can do life by myself.
10. The past isn't valuable; it's all about the future.

Some of these apply more to me, and less to you. And likewise the lies you struggle with, I may not as much. I've highlighted the top lies that I struggle with in this season of my life.

The lie that I've struggled with the most, and is #1 for me is-
"I have to know all the details of the path ahead"

I'm in the process of learning about giving up the need to have a plan. Some truths I've realized is that fear is the opposite of faith. The root of my need to control is fear. As Lara writes, "We want to know every detail of the plan and to be assured that the outcome will be positive and in our comfort zones..". OUCH. So, so true!! The need to control it, to plan it, is based on the inability to trust God. I've trusted in myself, and my own abilities rather than His perfect plan. Yikes.

Another good question I've been mulling over is, "Are you planting an intentional life, or just planning one?". I've definitely been planning one, and I'm happy to report that now, I'm on my way to planting one.

Facing the dark places in my life. Turning them over to the light- exposed and in His hands.

The second lie I've struggled a lot with is-
"It's impossible to start fresh or move forward"

This is one that was unexpected for me. I didn't originally highlight it in my book, but it turns out, it's a root issue in my life. Here are a few quotes from this chapter that I've underlined SO hard they're ripping the book up!!

"We often make plans for our lives before nourishing our growing ground first. We look at the surface because we don't want to get our hands dirty or we don't know where to begin."

God is redeeming my dirt, so to speak. This paragraph really applied to me-

"Before when challenges would come I only had one mode: anxiety. I'd cry, complain, distract myself, escape, or just try harder, thinking I could fix it all." 

So many times I just tried harder. And harder. Came up with a fresh, new plan. Another list.
Some truths that are replacing this lie in my life are-

• I don't have to strive or try harder. Where I can't, God already has.
• I am enough in God alone, not because of what I do for a living or what does or doesn't get crossed off of my list each day. I can throw away my plan and my list.
• I don't have to do it all. Done is better than perfect, and good enough is good. Let it go.
• I don't have to fear, I'm following God.

Such good stuff here, y'all. Have you ever struggled with any of this? The getting down to sowing an intentional life is MESSY. It's hard. It's hard to look yourself- flaws and all in the mirror!!

In Matthew 13 Jesus told the parable of the four soils (hard, rocky, thorny, and good). I've realized that my soil- my growing ground has been really hard. The hard-ground definition in this book is, "She keeps living life her own way. She has it all under control on the surface, but underneath the surface is dry and immovable."

Gosh have I thought I could plan it all out. Do it my way. But I've surrendered that now. I want good ground- "the good ground is a picture of one who hears, understands, and does something about what God says in His Word. Her heart is set on what lasts longer than she will. Her life is messy but meaningful. She is imperfect and covered in grace. Her life is faithful and fruitful." Don't you??

Have you evaluated your soil? I am! Here are some (not so pretty) things I've been rooted in:

-Fear of the future

-Anxiousness

-A sense that there's more to life than this

-Expectations of others

-Distractions

-Anger

Also, something really wonderful mentioned in this book is letting the dirt be dirt. Many times we say what's wrong or in our hearts that needs fixing, but try to clean up the mess in the same sentence. 

"Here's whats going on in my heart, but I've already figured out how to fix it. I'm good. I don't need help. I've got it all under control."

Let the dirt be dirt. Evaluate your growing ground. Once you've identified some rocks in your soil- face them, and define them. 

• Fear of the future- I've given up on dreaming because of my need for a list and plan. Dreaming makes me feel uneasy. I want a plan for our future, and I want to know all of the steps to get there. 
• Anxiousness- I've felt anxious. Tense. Certain things and aspects of our life have felt out of my control and I don't like that feeling. 
• A sense that there's more to life than this- I can feel it. There's peace that I'm missing out on. The ability to rest in my season. Feel content in these messy, everyday moments. I can rest in this season at home with my babies.
• Expectations of others- Our life doesn't have to look like everyone else. I don't have to say yes to every oppourunity just because I'm creative. I can be selective and put my family first. I can dissappoint people to say yes to something that matters more to me. 
• Distractions- I can put my phone down. I can focus on Jeremy. I can focus on Jonah and Sutton. I don't have to be moving to the next moment or season. I can be still and not be productive.
• Anger- This doesn't have to be the emotion I reach for when I feel out of control. Everything doesn't have to come out as angry. I can learn to verbalize my feelings, respond in a kind manner. 

What are you struggling with in this season of your life? I'll be back later to talk more about this book. Has anyone else read it?? Thoughts? I'd love to hear from you!

New Year's Resolutions (Part I)

Recently I read a post on Instagram (my social media drug of choice, it seems) of a quote.
It struck a chord within me.
This is what it said-

And this is my mantra moving into 2018. Gosh so much has happened in life, that I am not sure how to catch up in this space. I guess we can chat honestly about what 2017 looked like for me--and then go into what I hope this new year holds?

Let's start there.


2017-
"Hi. I'm Lindsay. What do I do? Oh, I'm a stay at home Mom."

That sentence.

Seriously. That sentence and the feelings and emotions it brings with it.

To be honest everything about that has been difficult for me. I had Sutton last February. Almost one year ago. My c-section recovery. So much harder. The transition from having one self-sufficient almost five year old to having two kids. So hard for me. The transition from working full-time in a fast-paced "big girl" and fun career, to staying home with my children. Woahhh hard. Having a creative outlet (my career) to uh. Not feeling creative at all. AT ALL. NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA.

Yeah.

Everything about my life today is completely different from what it was a mere year ago.

Honestly, I expected change. Right? I knew I was making a BIG change. I, Lindsay, asked for the change. And boy did things change.......

I'm coming (slow process over here) to understand that it's okay. But that realization didn't happened overnight for me. Oh, definitely not. The realization that different is okay. Change is okay. It has been uncomfortable for me. The realization that my life isn't going to be the same as it was (which sounds so simple, right?) It's been a REALLY hard realization for me. An eleven month journey, so to speak.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Sutton and Jonah. I realize that. This was an opportunity that I've always dreamed of. But it doesn't change the fact that it is a COMPLETELY different reality than what I have been used to for ohhhhh- forever. But, especially the last seven years. Total mind shift. Total reality shift. Just everything. All different.

With all of that being said- there's really more to this messy, different-ness I'm referring to. Sometimes dramatic changes bring out the best in people. They thrive, right? Well, I have not thrived the past eleven months. No, this big change brought out the worst in me. Another (hard) truth to face. The past year has turned me upside down in terms of realizing certain things about myself. My very identity. Leaving the role of Lindsay, "Senior Product Development Manager" left me feeling as if I didn't even know WHO I am. It rocked me to the core.

So many times over the last year I've felt like I was slooooowly lifting one very heavy foot up, out of the muck and mud, and repeating that. Over and over. Sloshy. Messy. Thick and heavy. Cloudy and gray. My life has felt messy and out of order. The year has felt uncomfortable. I've felt out of place. And, if you know anything about me you know my need for a plan. My need for control. My need for things to feel IN ORDER. ALL THE TIME. And here we are, almost a year into this big life change. Nothing has felt in order, nothing has felt in my control. I've faced really hard truths about myself. Here are a few that I've come face to face with-

I've learned that I have an issue with always needing a plan. That I feel out of control, wildly uncomfortable when I don't have one.

I've learned that tending to children all day long has a way of wearing me down emotionally. Draining me.

I've learned that my identity has been tied to what I accomplish in my career and based on my long to-do list.

I've learned that what I thought being a Stay at Home Mom would feel like, feels nothing like that for this season of my life.

I've learned that I do not know how to rest. How to be still in a moment (this goes back to accomplishing "things") and appreciate a moment for what it is.

I've learned that I am distracted.


......and there are so many more. These are just a few that I've worked through/am working through and wanted to share. The quote I saw on Instagram hit home because I have so many things I've walked through, and I'm working on that I didn't want to take with me into 2018.

"I took it off. I did not want to carry it with me anymore."


I'll start (this looooong post) with the first resolution I had for 2018.

1. Read a book for 5-10 minutes a day and journal my thoughts/feelings.
With this resolution I was looking for just a little bit of time for myself in a chaotic kid-filled day. A moment of peace, and some time to refresh my mind. And it just so happened that a friend gifted me a book by Lara Casey, called "Cultivate". Naturally I decided to start with it. YOU GUYS. I'm a month into this book, journaling as I go and it is changing my life.

Seriously. I want to talk more about it, so I'll stop here for now (babies gotta eat, y'all) and continue later with Part II later, I hope you'll join me!