Cultivate

I started reading Cultivate by Lara Casey at the beginning of the year. It has been eye-opening and so refreshing! I've been taking my time going chapter by chapter, and sometimes even re-reading (which feels like such a luxury) to make sure I don't miss any of the nuggets.

I started the year with a desire to change. I've had a rough journey of self-awareness the past eleven months. I wanted to leave some things behind me in 2017- and cultivate better things in 2018 in their place. This book is essentially based on ten lies (but SO much more than this short blogpost can ever get into) that we oftentimes tell ourselves, that keep us from flourishing-

1. I have to do it all.
2. I have to be perfect.
3. My life needs to look like everyone else's.
4. It's impossible to start fresh or move forward.
5. I have to know all the details of the path ahead.
6. Waiting is not good or productive.
7. Small steps don't make a difference.
8. I will be content when I have it all.
9. I can do life by myself.
10. The past isn't valuable; it's all about the future.

Some of these apply more to me, and less to you. And likewise the lies you struggle with, I may not as much. I've highlighted the top lies that I struggle with in this season of my life.

The lie that I've struggled with the most, and is #1 for me is-
"I have to know all the details of the path ahead"

I'm in the process of learning about giving up the need to have a plan. Some truths I've realized is that fear is the opposite of faith. The root of my need to control is fear. As Lara writes, "We want to know every detail of the plan and to be assured that the outcome will be positive and in our comfort zones..". OUCH. So, so true!! The need to control it, to plan it, is based on the inability to trust God. I've trusted in myself, and my own abilities rather than His perfect plan. Yikes.

Another good question I've been mulling over is, "Are you planting an intentional life, or just planning one?". I've definitely been planning one, and I'm happy to report that now, I'm on my way to planting one.

Facing the dark places in my life. Turning them over to the light- exposed and in His hands.

The second lie I've struggled a lot with is-
"It's impossible to start fresh or move forward"

This is one that was unexpected for me. I didn't originally highlight it in my book, but it turns out, it's a root issue in my life. Here are a few quotes from this chapter that I've underlined SO hard they're ripping the book up!!

"We often make plans for our lives before nourishing our growing ground first. We look at the surface because we don't want to get our hands dirty or we don't know where to begin."

God is redeeming my dirt, so to speak. This paragraph really applied to me-

"Before when challenges would come I only had one mode: anxiety. I'd cry, complain, distract myself, escape, or just try harder, thinking I could fix it all." 

So many times I just tried harder. And harder. Came up with a fresh, new plan. Another list.
Some truths that are replacing this lie in my life are-

• I don't have to strive or try harder. Where I can't, God already has.
• I am enough in God alone, not because of what I do for a living or what does or doesn't get crossed off of my list each day. I can throw away my plan and my list.
• I don't have to do it all. Done is better than perfect, and good enough is good. Let it go.
• I don't have to fear, I'm following God.

Such good stuff here, y'all. Have you ever struggled with any of this? The getting down to sowing an intentional life is MESSY. It's hard. It's hard to look yourself- flaws and all in the mirror!!

In Matthew 13 Jesus told the parable of the four soils (hard, rocky, thorny, and good). I've realized that my soil- my growing ground has been really hard. The hard-ground definition in this book is, "She keeps living life her own way. She has it all under control on the surface, but underneath the surface is dry and immovable."

Gosh have I thought I could plan it all out. Do it my way. But I've surrendered that now. I want good ground- "the good ground is a picture of one who hears, understands, and does something about what God says in His Word. Her heart is set on what lasts longer than she will. Her life is messy but meaningful. She is imperfect and covered in grace. Her life is faithful and fruitful." Don't you??

Have you evaluated your soil? I am! Here are some (not so pretty) things I've been rooted in:

-Fear of the future

-Anxiousness

-A sense that there's more to life than this

-Expectations of others

-Distractions

-Anger

Also, something really wonderful mentioned in this book is letting the dirt be dirt. Many times we say what's wrong or in our hearts that needs fixing, but try to clean up the mess in the same sentence. 

"Here's whats going on in my heart, but I've already figured out how to fix it. I'm good. I don't need help. I've got it all under control."

Let the dirt be dirt. Evaluate your growing ground. Once you've identified some rocks in your soil- face them, and define them. 

• Fear of the future- I've given up on dreaming because of my need for a list and plan. Dreaming makes me feel uneasy. I want a plan for our future, and I want to know all of the steps to get there. 
• Anxiousness- I've felt anxious. Tense. Certain things and aspects of our life have felt out of my control and I don't like that feeling. 
• A sense that there's more to life than this- I can feel it. There's peace that I'm missing out on. The ability to rest in my season. Feel content in these messy, everyday moments. I can rest in this season at home with my babies.
• Expectations of others- Our life doesn't have to look like everyone else. I don't have to say yes to every oppourunity just because I'm creative. I can be selective and put my family first. I can dissappoint people to say yes to something that matters more to me. 
• Distractions- I can put my phone down. I can focus on Jeremy. I can focus on Jonah and Sutton. I don't have to be moving to the next moment or season. I can be still and not be productive.
• Anger- This doesn't have to be the emotion I reach for when I feel out of control. Everything doesn't have to come out as angry. I can learn to verbalize my feelings, respond in a kind manner. 

What are you struggling with in this season of your life? I'll be back later to talk more about this book. Has anyone else read it?? Thoughts? I'd love to hear from you!

Love Day Faves

In the spirit of getting back to blogging I thought it would be fun to show y'all my Valentine's favorites. 

Let's start with the cozy loungewear. Y'all. Have you ever tried the Merona super soft PJ sets???? Please tell me you have. I LIVE IN THESE. I size up, becauuse I prefer a loose, baggy fit- and ohhhh my gosh. I asked for another pair for Christmas (thanks, Sister!) and I'd love another pair for Love day!!! I wear the pants in the colder months and switch to my short sets in the summer. SO COMFY!!! I also think these velvet slippers are so cute. Love the pink color!

Jeremy is the best at getting me little "stocking stuffer" type gifts for my birthday and Valentine's day. He like to shop, and always comes up with cute little things that I love. I would love a few bath treats from LUSH. Also, has anyone tried this lip scrub? I want to try it and the lip tint! (hint, Jeremy) And, who wouldn't like a new tassel necklace or these amazing clear cosmetic bags. I have several sets (yes, from TRS where I used to design products, lol) and I need to get a few more because I literally am wearing mine out. I use them for travel...one for Sutton's bath products, one for her headbands, one for my cosmetics, one for meds the kids may need...the list goes on. I love multi-functional stuff like these bags!

The mules are there are a reminder for Jeremy because I had them on my Chrsitmas list. Haha. In the spirit of making this guide versatile I picked neutrals but Y'ALL KNOW I want the bright colors :)

I LOVE a gift for the kitchen. A new mug for coffee?? YES. Heart shaped pasta??? COME ON. So flipping cute. And let's be honest, in this season of life we are most likely to be celebrating Valentine's Day at home. With Sutton tucked in da' bed. Because that makes my life so much easier. I can't get enough mixing bowls (they seem to disappear around here?! and then I find them outside filled with mud and army men. Hmm.) and of course a new notepad for grocery lists. 

What do y'all like to receive for Valentine's Day? What do you like to give?? I think it would be fun for Jeremy to make a list. I'll get on that. He makes GREAT guy gift-lists. 

Here are a few links- 

PJS 

Slippers

Mules and Mules and these Mules 

Bath Suds & Kiss from LUSH

Mugs

Necklaces

Bowls

Heart Pasta

Market Notepad and Coasters

And lastly, HOW CUTE are these vintage Valentine's?? I love them so much because they remind me of actual vintage Valentine's cards that my Mom saved from when I was little. Several years I found them in a box of school papers she sent home with me and I strung them into the cutest garland.

Happy Wednesday, y'all! 

New Year's Resolutions (Part I)

Recently I read a post on Instagram (my social media drug of choice, it seems) of a quote.
It struck a chord within me.
This is what it said-

And this is my mantra moving into 2018. Gosh so much has happened in life, that I am not sure how to catch up in this space. I guess we can chat honestly about what 2017 looked like for me--and then go into what I hope this new year holds?

Let's start there.


2017-
"Hi. I'm Lindsay. What do I do? Oh, I'm a stay at home Mom."

That sentence.

Seriously. That sentence and the feelings and emotions it brings with it.

To be honest everything about that has been difficult for me. I had Sutton last February. Almost one year ago. My c-section recovery. So much harder. The transition from having one self-sufficient almost five year old to having two kids. So hard for me. The transition from working full-time in a fast-paced "big girl" and fun career, to staying home with my children. Woahhh hard. Having a creative outlet (my career) to uh. Not feeling creative at all. AT ALL. NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA.

Yeah.

Everything about my life today is completely different from what it was a mere year ago.

Honestly, I expected change. Right? I knew I was making a BIG change. I, Lindsay, asked for the change. And boy did things change.......

I'm coming (slow process over here) to understand that it's okay. But that realization didn't happened overnight for me. Oh, definitely not. The realization that different is okay. Change is okay. It has been uncomfortable for me. The realization that my life isn't going to be the same as it was (which sounds so simple, right?) It's been a REALLY hard realization for me. An eleven month journey, so to speak.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Sutton and Jonah. I realize that. This was an opportunity that I've always dreamed of. But it doesn't change the fact that it is a COMPLETELY different reality than what I have been used to for ohhhhh- forever. But, especially the last seven years. Total mind shift. Total reality shift. Just everything. All different.

With all of that being said- there's really more to this messy, different-ness I'm referring to. Sometimes dramatic changes bring out the best in people. They thrive, right? Well, I have not thrived the past eleven months. No, this big change brought out the worst in me. Another (hard) truth to face. The past year has turned me upside down in terms of realizing certain things about myself. My very identity. Leaving the role of Lindsay, "Senior Product Development Manager" left me feeling as if I didn't even know WHO I am. It rocked me to the core.

So many times over the last year I've felt like I was slooooowly lifting one very heavy foot up, out of the muck and mud, and repeating that. Over and over. Sloshy. Messy. Thick and heavy. Cloudy and gray. My life has felt messy and out of order. The year has felt uncomfortable. I've felt out of place. And, if you know anything about me you know my need for a plan. My need for control. My need for things to feel IN ORDER. ALL THE TIME. And here we are, almost a year into this big life change. Nothing has felt in order, nothing has felt in my control. I've faced really hard truths about myself. Here are a few that I've come face to face with-

I've learned that I have an issue with always needing a plan. That I feel out of control, wildly uncomfortable when I don't have one.

I've learned that tending to children all day long has a way of wearing me down emotionally. Draining me.

I've learned that my identity has been tied to what I accomplish in my career and based on my long to-do list.

I've learned that what I thought being a Stay at Home Mom would feel like, feels nothing like that for this season of my life.

I've learned that I do not know how to rest. How to be still in a moment (this goes back to accomplishing "things") and appreciate a moment for what it is.

I've learned that I am distracted.


......and there are so many more. These are just a few that I've worked through/am working through and wanted to share. The quote I saw on Instagram hit home because I have so many things I've walked through, and I'm working on that I didn't want to take with me into 2018.

"I took it off. I did not want to carry it with me anymore."


I'll start (this looooong post) with the first resolution I had for 2018.

1. Read a book for 5-10 minutes a day and journal my thoughts/feelings.
With this resolution I was looking for just a little bit of time for myself in a chaotic kid-filled day. A moment of peace, and some time to refresh my mind. And it just so happened that a friend gifted me a book by Lara Casey, called "Cultivate". Naturally I decided to start with it. YOU GUYS. I'm a month into this book, journaling as I go and it is changing my life.

Seriously. I want to talk more about it, so I'll stop here for now (babies gotta eat, y'all) and continue later with Part II later, I hope you'll join me!