Tuesday, January 23, 2018

New Year's Resolutions (Part I)

Recently I read a post on Instagram (my social media drug of choice, it seems) of a quote.
It struck a chord within me.
This is what it said-

And this is my mantra moving into 2018. Gosh so much has happened in life, that I am not sure how to catch up in this space. I guess we can chat honestly about what 2017 looked like for me--and then go into what I hope this new year holds?

Let's start there.

"Hi. I'm Lindsay. What do I do? Oh, I'm a stay at home Mom."

That sentence.

Seriously. That sentence and the feelings and emotions it brings with it.

To be honest everything about that has been difficult for me. I had Sutton last February. Almost one year ago. My c-section recovery. So much harder. The transition from having one self-sufficient almost five year old to having two kids. So hard for me. The transition from working full-time in a fast-paced "big girl" and fun career, to staying home with my children. Woahhh hard. Having a creative outlet (my career) to uh. Not feeling creative at all. AT ALL. NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA.


Everything about my life today is completely different from what it was a mere year ago.

Honestly, I expected change. Right? I knew I was making a BIG change. I, Lindsay, asked for the change. And boy did things change.......

I'm coming (slow process over here) to understand that it's okay. But that realization didn't happened overnight for me. Oh, definitely not. The realization that different is okay. Change is okay. It has been uncomfortable for me. The realization that my life isn't going to be the same as it was (which sounds so simple, right?) It's been a REALLY hard realization for me. An eleven month journey, so to speak.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am blessed to be able to stay home with Sutton and Jonah. I realize that. This was an opportunity that I've always dreamed of. But it doesn't change the fact that it is a COMPLETELY different reality than what I have been used to for ohhhhh- forever. But, especially the last seven years. Total mind shift. Total reality shift. Just everything. All different.

With all of that being said- there's really more to this messy, different-ness I'm referring to. Sometimes dramatic changes bring out the best in people. They thrive, right? Well, I have not thrived the past eleven months. No, this big change brought out the worst in me. Another (hard) truth to face. The past year has turned me upside down in terms of realizing certain things about myself. My very identity. Leaving the role of Lindsay, "Senior Product Development Manager" left me feeling as if I didn't even know WHO I am. It rocked me to the core.

So many times over the last year I've felt like I was slooooowly lifting one very heavy foot up, out of the muck and mud, and repeating that. Over and over. Sloshy. Messy. Thick and heavy. Cloudy and gray. My life has felt messy and out of order. The year has felt uncomfortable. I've felt out of place. And, if you know anything about me you know my need for a plan. My need for control. My need for things to feel IN ORDER. ALL THE TIME. And here we are, almost a year into this big life change. Nothing has felt in order, nothing has felt in my control. I've faced really hard truths about myself. Here are a few that I've come face to face with-

I've learned that I have an issue with always needing a plan. That I feel out of control, wildly uncomfortable when I don't have one.

I've learned that tending to children all day long has a way of wearing me down emotionally. Draining me.

I've learned that my identity has been tied to what I accomplish in my career and based on my long to-do list.

I've learned that what I thought being a Stay at Home Mom would feel like, feels nothing like that for this season of my life.

I've learned that I do not know how to rest. How to be still in a moment (this goes back to accomplishing "things") and appreciate a moment for what it is.

I've learned that I am distracted.

......and there are so many more. These are just a few that I've worked through/am working through and wanted to share. The quote I saw on Instagram hit home because I have so many things I've walked through, and I'm working on that I didn't want to take with me into 2018.

"I took it off. I did not want to carry it with me anymore."

I'll start (this looooong post) with the first resolution I had for 2018.

1. Read a book for 5-10 minutes a day and journal my thoughts/feelings.
With this resolution I was looking for just a little bit of time for myself in a chaotic kid-filled day. A moment of peace, and some time to refresh my mind. And it just so happened that a friend gifted me a book by Lara Casey, called "Cultivate". Naturally I decided to start with it. YOU GUYS. I'm a month into this book, journaling as I go and it is changing my life.

Seriously. I want to talk more about it, so I'll stop here for now (babies gotta eat, y'all) and continue later with Part II later, I hope you'll join me!

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