Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Mixed Emotions

Soon after we found out that we were expecting a baby we made a special trip home to see both of our parents. We wanted to share the goods news with them as soon as possible. I wanted to surprise my Mom, Sister and MIL with a cute little handmade gift when they least expected it. Honestly, the look on each of their faces when they unwrapped the box and found the tiny little diaper tied with ribbon was really priceless.

Our families didn't know we were actively trying to have a baby, so our news did come as a bit of a (BIG) surprise. I love that. 

Jonah just turned four years old this past June. I have always (from the very beginning) said that I wanted our kids to be more spaced out. I wanted Jonah to be around four years old before we added a new baby to our family. When all of our friends started trying to have babies when our kids were two, I stood my ground firmly and (very loudly) proclaimed not yet. Not ready! Not now!!

And now I am. Our baby will arrive in March, and Jonah will turn five in June. It's really hard for me to believe that he's already four. Having the new baby will definitely feel like starting all over for us. But I love it, and I'm so excited and really mentally ready to love on a new little one.

Having four solid years with Jonah is priceless to me. Learing to be a Mama, making memories with him, my first baby, I'll always cherish this time we've had just the three of us together.

After much discussion, Jeremy and I decided to wait until I was further along to publicly announce we were expecting a new baby. Although we were no less excited than when we found out we were having Jonah, we had several difficult conversations to navigate that we didn't face five years ago.

Several of our close friends and family members faced years of infertility, loss of a child, or other personal child-related complications that gave us serious pause. I considered what it would be like to walk each of those roads. No, I haven't walked in their path, or felt their pain. The very best I could do was imagine how I would want to receive this "new baby" news from a friend and act accordingly. We opted to wait for a bit, giving us time to talk to each person face to face or on a more personal level than via social media. This was our way of honoring our friendships.

To say that it was a difficult road to navigate would be an understatement. I was incredibly anxious, stressed and honestly riddled with some guilt for "my plan" to seemingly "work out". To be completely transparent, that guilt was also mixed with a healthy dose of anger at the unfairness of all of these feelings during a time that should be exciting and joyful for us. We sacrificed telling Jonah our news for several weeks because we knew he would never be able to keep this secret and-- why would we ask that of a four year old?! Would our friends do the same for us if our situations were reversed??? I knew there would be some judgement of our actions, regardless of how gently or privately we broke the news. I doubted it would ever be the "right way" or come at the "right time", and I accepted that.

I feel completely at peace about it now. Strangely enough, once I shared the news with each person, my guilt and apprehension went completely away. It no longer became about their story, or grief, or situation.  Now I can freely celebrate the awesome gift of life that Jeremy, Jonah and I have been given.

A new baby to love on and cherish!

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