I recently wrote this blog post that really just skimmed the surface of our year and how I dug in deep and went head to head with my spiritual, emotional and mental "soil". In doing so- I also took a really close look at the state of my heart. My desire as a Christian is to have a pure heart- bringing His light to every corner. As a result of our path the last year, I've wrestled with the topic of forgiveness and what I thought it meant. By wrestled- I don't mean that I was unable or unwilling to forgive, but, for the last 35 years of my life I've equated forgiveness with reconciliation, and only recently after much prayer, research, and a logical step-by-step examination of the process really understood the difference between the two. I want to share my realizations here in this space because working through this has been eye-opening for me and may help you on your own forgiveness journey.
The model of "forgiveness" that I've believed for all of these years looks something like letting the person who hurt or offended me off the hook. Insert the grievance here and my/our automatic reply should be- "okay, I forgive you" carrying on within a relationship per usual....and then be willing to do this over and over again because that's "turning the other cheek". This circle solution to what I thought forgiveness is, is not healthy, or realistic as an adult! I no longer believe in the concept of "forgive and forget". It's much more complicated than that. How about this thought-
Forgiveness does NOT equal reconciliation.
Hmm. Okay. Totally new concept for my 36 year old brain.
If it doesn't- what DOES it mean? Forgiveness is something that takes place between the person who has been hurt and GOD. Think on that for a minute. It's singular. Not two people. ONE PERSON. So, when someone offends or hurts me I go to God to work out the forgiveness part, not the other person. He sets ME free. Not their apology, or a conversation about the baggage between us. A quote I read recently says, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”" What truth here! True forgiveness comes from God, not within ourselves and it has nothing to do with the party that offended or hurt us! So, after this has taken place- what does our relationship look like? This is the part that I've struggled with, and the question I've asked myself repeatedly is-
Can you have a healthy relationship by covering for yourself, covering for someone else, pretending, overlooking and ignoring an issue or situation?
Absolutely not.
Healthy relationships are grown in a space where both parties can be can be honest and vulnerable about their feelings. If there is no space for honesty and you stay within a relationship where you have been hurt, the odds are, you will become bitter towards the other person for not understanding your hurt, or they may continue to hurt you (remember, in this scenario you are unable to deal with the root of the issue with honesty- something is hindering it!). Stepping back, setting a healthy boundary on your terms it totally okay. Needed, actually. This concept of space is a new realization for me- that a boundary is okay. That space inside of relationships is okay. It has nothing to do with forgiveness! Seriously, this was a life changing realization! I can create a boundary and sit in the space WHILE having a healthy heart, and have (already) extended authentic forgiveness. Reconciliation is not a requirement to forgiveness. That bears repeating, y'all. Reconciliation with someone is NOT a requirement of forgiveness!
So what about the turning the other cheek part that I've always been taught? I think this is in regards to HOW we proceed when someone offends us. To me, this looks like responding to hatred with love. Answering an accusation with silence. Or, responding to an Instagram jab with silence. Being the bigger man. Jesus didn't call down revenge from Heaven on those who crucified Him. He was silent before his accusers. The method of turning the other cheek against someone who has hurt you is taking the high-road- not personal retaliation. Completely separate from actual forgiveness (between you and God).
To continue to work through this equation, once forgiveness has been extended, and your heart is pure....what's next??
To move forward with healing- you aren't FORGETTING what happened. You are choosing to view the situation in a different manner. We don't "forget" things as humans. We extend compassion for another human as we are all flawed and sin. HOWEVER, forgiveness for past wrongs doesn't necessarily guarantee that a future relationship will be like the past relationship. During this period of space- life happens. You can only move towards reconciliation if the offender has reached a point of conviction about the situation and has a heart of true repentance. A blog-post I recently read about forgiveness and reconciliation says it so well-
"A repentant person will name their sin, specifically, and they will be broken up about it. If the person is sorry just because you called them out or because you are implementing a boundary (space), that’s not real repentance. That’s “worldly sorrow” (II Cor. 7:10). They are sorry for themselves. Not sorry for the damage they’ve caused in the people around them. A repentant person will not make excuses, blame you or something else, rationalize their behavior, or justify what they did. If a person is doing any of those things, they are not repentant. Period. Back to square one—waiting for God to convict them.
A repentant person is eager to make things right. They are patient with the person they have harmed, recognizing the pain they’ve caused and giving them time and space to heal. Repentant people don’t try to turn others against the victim and garner sympathy for themselves. They don’t do this in obvious ways, and they don’t do this in covert ways. Their heart is with their victim, and they only seek the well-being of the one they hurt. They are honest and come clean.
A repentant person is willing for the victim to go back and revisit past hurts. They understand that if there are many incidents that have been swept under the rug, the solution is not to keep them there. The solution is to take them out, piece by piece, examine them, repent of them, and find healing and forgiveness.
I don't have adequate words to tell you how much this spoke to me. Forgiveness is part of a mixture (forgiveness, responsibility, repentance, boundaries and healing) which equals reconciliation. The end desired result should be reconciliation, however, that is not a requirement for actual forgiveness. And, honestly, reconciliation is not a requirement at all.Several things stand out to me in the text above. Specifically these things-
- Inside of a real, honest relationship there is vulnerability. Presenting yourself vulnerable to someone you've hurt is an imperative aspect to reconciliation. And it's not anything that can be faked. It's humbling to say, I'm flawed. I know what's going on here and I'm truly sorry.
- In addition to repentance and vulnerability is conviction (from God) which produces a contrite heart (brokenness over sin, and a realization that I will take responsibility for my actions and change my behavior). An excerpt from another article I read about this topic really spoke to me about the conviction aspect of reconciliation- "“The most loving thing you can do to an offender is give them a boundary.” When you give an unrepentant offender a boundary, they fling their stuff on you and go running the other direction! So you have to be willing to say goodbye. Until you are, you’ll be stuck trying to make it work by yourself, and that will mean pretending, placating, avoiding, and stuffing. You think that’s a real relationship?"
- So essentially, setting a boundary, or implementing space within a relationship will SHOW YOU the state of the relationship- - - by way of the heart of your offender. If that makes sense? How they respond to you setting a boundary will either show you someone eager to fix things, or the opposite. Sometimes they may not understand WHY, but it's HOW they respond that matters. Is their response to the boundary kind? Do they sense the space and come to you with truth and honesty?? Seeing their response will tell you how to proceed with any future relationship.
To sum it up, forgiveness and reconciliation can be looked at in the following steps:
- Extending forgiveness (between you and God)
- Creating a boundary or space within that relationship (if needed)
- A time of healing: meaning time is needed to heal. This is not an overnight process. Space and time promote reconciliation.
- Reconciliation: comprised of two parts (true conviction and repentance of the offender), and (if the offended party wants to proceed with a relationship, then a revisiting of past hurts and situations to find healing- while understanding a new relationship may not look the same as the old one).
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